For so many years, I strived to be happy.
I thought that if I had certain things, I’d be happier: achievements, love, a thriving career.
And most of all, I thought I’d be happier if I improved myself. I wanted to be more confident, smart, beautiful. A sweeter friend, daughter, sister. And in the past year, more ‘spiritual’, peaceful, free in my being.
But the drive to become happier came from an anxious place.
I felt like I wasn’t good enough where I was. I judged my past and worried the future would fall short of what I envisioned. So I tried to control the present.
I was looking outside of myself for happiness.
And now, a deep contentment has begun to replace the anxiousness.
Recently, there have been moments where I’ve felt, to the core of my being, that I have everything I need within me. It’s one thing to know this conceptually and another to actually feel it.
It feels like my heart’s blooming with so much love and gratitude, there’s nothing more I need. There’s nothing else I need to be, or do, or have.
These moments come and go in flashes, but they’ve opened my eyes to my truth. They leave me with a calm knowing, a deep trust in myself and the benevolence of the universe.
Instead of needing anything more to feel happy, I realize that everything I need is already here.
Of course, I still criticize myself. But I’m becoming more gentle with myself.
And I have lots of desires – big dreams for my future and much more that I want to become. But instead of needing things to happen out of a sense of lack in my current moment, I trust that they’re coming. All I need to do now is enjoy the moment, the beautiful unfolding of my life.
Even if life doesn’t unfold as I imagine – even if nothing changes from this moment (which is impossible, because everything is constantly changing) – I know I can return to this place of peace in my heart. I don’t need anything from the external world to access it.
Knowing that gives me freedom, because everything else is extra. It’s the icing on the cake.
I feel so grateful for it all. This life experience, this body, and my breath flowing in and out… I take in the sunrise, the birds chirping, my nourishing food… And in my heart I feel my love, my family, my friends.
It’s so empowering to know that I create my life in every moment. And I can choose how I experience my life.
Deep contentment. It may not look like ecstatic joy all the time. Sometimes, it looks like a tear in my eye as I sit still and breathe… Or a small smile that I can’t wipe off my face… A light gentleness in my eyes, my forehead less furrowed than usual.
For the first time in my life, I’m not “DOING” much. But I’m BEING full in my heart, savoring each moment. I’m loving myself more than I knew I could, and that is more “doing” than I’ve ever done in my life.
These days, there have been many moments where I’ve felt overwhelmed to tears by a sense of wholeness and arrival. I’ve been running my whole life, and I feel like I’ve finally arrived to the love in my heart.
The truth to ‘happiness’ is simple. It’s not the things outside of us that we’ve been seeking. It’s the deep contentment from knowing that even if nothing changes – and even if we were to lose everything – nothing can take away our connection to the peace inside us.
People ask me, “What are you working on? What’s next?”
This time, what’s next is not outside of me. It’s within. It’s continuing to let go of the stories of the past, resistance to the present, and attachments to the future. It’s trusting the flow of life and being alive in each moment to savor it.
Now that I’m experiencing this contentment, I want to go deeper in it. I want to go deeper to reach the core, until it expands again, then breathe it out into the world.
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Love,
Ashmi
